This Labor Day meeting of the Amalgamated Union of Supernatural Creatures is called to order.
First agenda item: An admonishment to our werewolf brothers and sisters. Much as though you enjoy it, this practice of moonlighting must come to an end. Our solidarity is at stake!
Speaking of stakes, that brings us to our second agenda item: escalating health insurance costs. The biggest expense this last year has been for blood bank withdrawals. May I remind our vampiric brothers and sisters that use of the blood banks is for emergencies only. Normally, we expect you to subsist on your non-union managers. They suck you dry; you return the favor.
Now to the third agenda item: on behalf of our invisible brothers and sisters, we’ve brought a lawsuit against fifteen different employers. “Out of sight, out of mind” simply will not cut it when we’re discussing wages and benefits with these firms. Our biggest problem is the countersuit that’s been filed alleging rampant absenteeism. We remind our invisible brothers and sisters that punching the time clock is especially necessary for you to claim the fruits of your labors.
Fourth on the agenda: I am happy to announce that last year’s lawsuit by the union of sextons and gravediggers, complaining about unfair competition from our ghoul brothers and sisters, has been settled by splitting the workday between the two unions, with the ghouls having all nighttime excavation. We were assisted by the union of mortician, undertakers, and funeral directors, who recognize a cost savings when they see one. They know the ghouls will not only dig a grave, but they’ll often also eat the contents, making the grave reusable.
Our fifth agenda item refers to unfair overseas competition. The witches and warlocks have been complaining that foreign spell-casters not only undercut them in pricing services, but are providing shoddy spells under the claim that they are more portable. It is with great reluctance that we observe brothers and sisters have been resorting to these foreign spell-casters, even when a perfectly good domestic witch is available. Attempts to litigate this matter at the WTO have proved fruitless. So the witches and warlocks are called to a special meeting tonight at midnight, when they will collectively engage in imposing a curse on their foreign competition. Attendance is mandatory, and we expect you to show up in union-made ceremonial garments.
We’ll take a break for refreshments now, and come back for the election of officers in one hour. A reminder to flesh-eating zombies that other union members do not constitute refreshments. There was that unpleasant incident last year with Brother Henri, may he rest in peace, and we don’t want it to happen again.